My Heart

My heart

My heart feels like an open wound

The pain is overwhelming

I drown beneath the pulsing flood

As life drains out around me,

My fault, this pain I suffer now

My sin, my weakness caused it

My longing for more special love

That caused this wound to open,

I opened up this heart of mine

A bit too much for friendship

So now I struggle to repair

And mend it’s ragged edges.

Oh Lord, I’m sorry, help me please

Forgive and heal I beg you.

Please teach me how to be a friend

Not lapsing to obsession,

I find this loving people hard

To get balance right

I want to learn to love like you

So I’ll give you this bleeding heart.

 

 

lonely

Lonely one

The little child sat alone, on the outside

Watching others play together

She felt left out, different and insecure.

In her hand was a little sandwich

Just her simple homemade lunch

The others saw she had some ‘goodies’

Soon they gathered all about

‘I will be your friend’, they promised

‘If you share your lunch around’

So she gave away her sandwich

Happy for a little while

Then when it was gone, all finished

The others left her all alone.

‘So why?’ the teacher asked the youngster

‘Do you give your lunch away?’

‘It’s simple really’, said the said sad one

‘For a moment at least they let me play’

‘For a brief time they are friendly’

‘So I don’t feel quite so alone’.

The child grew into a young woman

Who still longed and yearned for love

She still thought that someone may love her

If she gives them what they want

Now years have passed for that child-woman

Many lessons she has learned

But deep inside a lonely child lurks

Feeling apart and left outside

Convinced she has nothing to offer

Nothing to give to ‘earn’ some love

Expecting friends to up and leave her

When someone better comes along,

Alone she weeps, alone she longs

To feel she really is worth something

And doesn’t need to earn their love

Thoughts around Easter

The past couple of weeks have been a struggle, but sometimes we can find treasure in our struggles. It certainly doesn't feel like it at the time, but in retrospect there are gems that God has taught us in the dark nights of depression.

Here are some thoughts and a couple of poems.












Thoughts from my notebook

 

 

 

Ok Lord a few questions ---

So when we pray for others and move forward and try to live for you, with you, through you – we often seem to fall under attack. Health issues, physical and mental arise. Our weak points, our ‘Achilles heels’ are breached.

So then Lord when this happens, when we get sick, overwhelmed with depression, when we fall on the battlefield and lie wounded and bleeding, does this mean we have failed you? Does this mean the enemy has effectively removed us as a threat?

Where is your victory in this? You are stronger, more powerful and have ultimate control. Have we/I failed you?

So Lord you know my struggles and failures, you know my weak spots, there are plenty of them! It is your power, authority and strength which will win out in the end. Forgive me for my weakness and failures.

Is it ok if I keep praying for stuff, for others, even if my faith is weak and I am not a particularly ‘righteous man (woman)’ can you still use me despite my weakness and failure.

 

*continued on next page*

Wow just reading in Matthew about you in Gethsemane and thinking about your crucifixion.

You were made to suffer, you were weak and actually put to death. You had to struggle with ‘the cup’ which you had to ‘drink’. Your heart and spirit were heavy. You didn’t look victorious as you were arrested, and deserted by your friends. Or as you were beaten and crucified. It looked more like a failure, it looked as if the enemy had won, and it wasn’t triumphant. Yet at your lowest point, your weakest moment, this was your greatest victory, your greatest service, your greatest strength.

So when we get knocked down and our faces are in the mud again, you can be – you are in fact – victorious still, when we submit and surrender our whole selves- weakness, failures and all to you, for your glory.

 

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Where is your victory

Where is your victory Lord?

When the darkness closes in

How do I praise you?

When I am full of pain within

Why do I struggle so?

When I should rest in you

How can you love me still?

But yet I know it’s true.

For when the darkness lifts again

And when the pain subsides

I see that you are with me still

You were there to steer and guide,

Your rod and staff kept me on track

Though I stumbled and I fell

You never left my side oh Lord

And you say you never will.

 

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Easter

It was dark and all seemed lost

Afraid, your people hid

Where was that glorious future

They had thought would be their lot.

Those promises, those miracles,

That teaching that made sense,

It all had vanished in the wind

‘Where to now’, they said.

But wait! What news is this they bring?

Our Lord is raised! Not dead!

He is alive again they say –

Come see, come find, come look.

They hurried there with hope and dread

How can this be? They think

And find an empty tomb, not death

The Lord is risen indeed

He meets with them, he shows his wounds

At last they understand

He is the living Son of God

Our conquering risen Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At His feet

At His feet

 

My tears flow as I kneel at His feet

Tears of shame, remorse, regret

Tears of helplessness, confusion, need

I have no right to be here

Yet there is nowhere else I can go,

I can only lay my heart bare

At his feet - I need him so.

And he doesn’t push me far away

Or tell me roughly just to leave

Instead he draws me closer still

And whispers love words in my ear,

Forgives my sin, removes my shame

Helps me to stand and smile again

Can I Trust?

Can I trust?

 

Am I afraid to take the chance?

And surrender to this promised love

I guard and shield my trembling heart

From disappointment, pain and hurt

So can I take this offered hand?

That beckons me to live life loved

Can I trust that gentle smile?

Those open, honest, loving eyes

Oh Lord I really want to come

I want to take your offered love

I want to let you in my life

I want to trust and live life loved.

So thank you that you don’t give up

Persistently you woo my heart

You know me inside out my Lord

Yet still insist to offer love

Unspoken......a poem

Apologies to the one or two people who may see this. Just needed to try to put some feelings into words. Feel free to ignore this.

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Unspoken

 

How do I express just how I feel?                  

What words can convey my emotions

A blood stain on a page may do

Could depict the pain within me

And show frustration with myself

Confusion, failure, longing

Only floods of tears – contained unshed

And bottled deep inside me

Can write with dark invisible ink

To describe the heart within me

 

A couple of Poems from a place of struggle

A prayer

 

Inside is a fetid place

Firmly shut and bolted

Where all the rubbish in my life

Has just been quietly posted.

The stuff that makes me burn with shame

Embarrassment and heartache

The things I would rather forget

That wouldn’t fit my image.

It is a dark and smelly place

But now it must be opened.

For you alone can clean this mess

This putrid rotten dungeon.

I’m sorry, Lord that you should see

And have to bear this burden.

I come to you so helplessly

Only your blood can cleanse

This mess I now to you surrender

Please cleanse, forgive and heal me

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Don’t lose me

 

Lord don’t lose me as I drown again

As I sink beneath this gloom of sin

Forgive me, oh my Lord, I pray

Restore, refresh, direct my way

Help me to taste again the joy

Of knowing that your love is sure

Of walking close beside you Lord

Holding your hand, my father God.

And even in this deep dark space

Of mixed emotions, of toxic waste

Help me to know your presence still

Don’t let me stray outside your will