from a place of weakness

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle with the Black Dog of depression. As I struggle to cope with some hurts. It has been a battle. The following are some thoughts/prayers from this time

From a place of weakness

I am weak and feeling faint

Failed again to stand against

The onslaught of the enemy 

Child be still I am with you

I will never fail or forsake you

I The Lord, your shepherd

Have the victory in hand 

Lord I feel I am failing you

With each new struggle

As sin binds my feet and hands

And throws me headlong in the pit 

I will rescue you my child

Sin cannot, will not, defeat you

I am by your side my child

I will not, have not, I will not leave you! 

Lord I submit again to you

Have your victory in my life

I surrender once again

Please lead and help

Direct my life.

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Have your victory

Have your victory in my life

Help me surrender it to you,

Please free me from the sin which binds

Please guide me, help me, oh my Lord

Because I’m weak and I have fallen

And I cannot see the way

My own sin clouds out my vision

But you Lord, you can show the way,

I really really need your help here

I need to see your loving face

To hear your words, know your direction

Lord rescue me for your name’s sake

struggles with the black dog and God's encouragements

Here are a couple of poems from my heart as I continue to struggle with the black dog of depression and with feelings of uselessness.
Crumbs that sounds inviting doesn't it!!!! but hopefully someone will read these somewhere and know that God won't abandon you, he understands and even when you may feel unlovely and unlovable he still loves you, you belong to him and even when you can't see it for yourself in his eyes you are valuable and have worth.

Do I have a place?

Is there a place for me here Lord?

For the person that I am,

I’m not an extrovert at all

I’m probably not much fun.

It’s not my way to jump and sing

I’d rather quietly pray,

I’m not so good at speaking out

But can you use me somehow, someway?

I feel I’m really not much use

That there’s not a place for me

The others seem to blaze with light

While I flicker weakly here

Yet you will not quench this flickering wick

I read that in your word,

You won’t snuff out my little flame

So into your hands I commit again.

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The Black dog

The black dog of depression

Hangs like a lead weight on my heart

Even times of happiness

Can feel it dragging me apart,

It cripples me, it holds me back

It taints my every thought,

It wearies me with each attack

Traps and drags – again I’m caught

I long to run away from it

And reinvent myself

I long to be free of this pain,

Oh Lord, please heal my heart

His encouragement

The Lord will not leave me to be devoured

He will rescue me, he is here.

He will replace my weeping with his joy

He will bring light to the darkness in my heart

He won’t abandon or leave me.

He is my shepherd, I’m in his flock

I belong to him, he won’t abandon me.

Thank you Lord that your rod and staff

Still comfort me in dark valleys

I will wait for you Lord, for your timing

You will not forsake or leave me.

 

The Good Shepherd

The Good Shepherd

 

The sheep was bleeding badly

A torn and bloodied lamb

A broken battered lump of wool

Was in the Shepherds hands,

It didn’t look worth saving

Didn’t seem much worth the time,

But the Shepherd gently held it

In His arms, with love divine

Because this tattered and torn lamb

Was His, He said “You’re mine!”

“I’ve brought you with a mighty price”

“And I know which sheep are mine”

“I never will forsake you”

“or leave you bleeding out of sight”

“I will not lose one of my flock”

“You won’t be left behind!”

Hold Your Head Up

I struggle often with putting myself down, not being all that nice to myself. I was brought up on the concept of not thinking too highly of yourself, and consequently find it hard to acknowledge if I have ever done anything good.

 

 I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day along these lines, and how it is not 'prideful' to be proud of your achievements, especially when it is God who gives us the abilities and gifts we have. Also was thinking of the words in Psalm 115:1 which says:

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness"

 

The following poem is the fruits of these thoughts.

 

Hold your head up 

Lift your eyes a bit my child

Hold your head up high

For I have given you this gift

And the glory is all mine

It isn’t pride if you just smile

Enjoying what you do

It isn’t pride to take delight

In what I do through you

Stop hiding in the shadows child

And use what I provide

I sing with joy and love for you,

My child, you’re my delight.

So don’t apologise again

Because you’ve done some good

Rejoice with me, come smile and sing

I am your loving God.

A time of waiting

Waiting 

Waiting here in the stillness

Lord, I’m waiting here where it’s quiet.

Unsure of the direction

Of where I’m heading with my life.

I commit again Lord

Commit myself into your hands,

Hanging on to your promise

That you have a purpose and a plan,

Not sure what I am to do Lord

So I’ll wait here for a while,

Maybe this is the destination

So I will wait here at your side.

A time of changes

Right now I am in the midst of a time of change, one job is over after quite a few years, and I am not sure where or what I am going to do next. I know God has a plan for me, and if I stay within his plan I need not be afraid as his plans are never to harm or destroy. He will provide for me. I worry that I will somehow miss what I should be doing or take a wrong turn, so each day (and frequently throughout the day) I have to commit myself into his hands, and just wait on Him. The following three poems are a glimpse into where my heart is at the moment, with all my failure and weakness. They are in some ways a bit raw and not highly refined but they come from my heart.

 

Where are you leading me? 

Sometimes Lord it seems very dark

I don’t know where you are leading me.

I feel I am failing at every turn

Just groping blindly all around me,

I am afraid I will take a wrong turn

Or somehow wander from your plan

Yet I cannot see what plan it is

Or fathom where you’ll take me

Do you have a plan for me? I ask Lord

And I am not just hoping in vain

It’s just I cannot see the answers

Lord, I cannot see the way.

Forgive me for my weakness, my failures

Forgive me when doubts come my way

Please fulfil your purpose for me

And hold me close to you I pray.

Let me hear the words you have for me

Please give me a glimpse of your face

Oh Lord please somehow reassure me

That I am truly yours I pray 

As long as you do all the leading

I know I can trust you with my days

 

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Why do you weep? 

The morning breaks and my heart awakes

I see a new day stretch before me 

Oh feeble fragile heart, why do you weep? 

The future is unknown and fear creeps in

My heart longs to hide again in night-time 

Oh feeble fragile heart, why do you weep? 

So I fall again to my knees Lord

To commit myself to you

To place this feeble fragile heart

Again into your hands Lord,

Once more I look to you for help

Your strength and promises are sure

So feeble fragile heart don’t weep

The loving God holds you secure

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His words to a troubled heart 

Troubled heart come rest in me

Come wait on me today

Be still, stop restless wandering                                                           

Come hear my word today.

I am right here beside you child

I will not move away

Come rest, come trust, come wait on me

Be still my child I say.

I am your God, and I am strong

The victory is mine

So do not fear what lies ahead

The plan is my design,

I see you weep, I count your tears

I love you child of mine.

Caught in a storm

Caught in a storm

 

Caught up in a vortex of emotion,

Reality and firm ground wavering

Floundering amidst the swirling tide

My feet unable to find firm ground

Lord don’t lose me in this whirlpool

As confusion and grief surround,

Please keep your hand of power upon me

Stop me from drowning in this storm.

Calm the wind and waves of my emotions

Bring me through to solid ground.

I am crying out to you, come save me

Steer my course, direct my ways

I’m pleading Lord, help me to see you

Feel your presence, hear your voice

I lift my arms out to be rescued

I’m trusting you’ll not let me drown

 

 

discarded wineskin

 

Discarded wineskin   (with reference to Psalm 119: 81-83)

 

A wineskin in the smoke

Used up, useless, discarded

That’s how I feel now Lord.

When will you come to help?

I need your help so much -

Your presence as sorrow overwhelms.

The pus and poison pour from the open wound

Only you can heal and cleanse me.

Take this discarded used up wineskin

I wait for you to come and help

To fill renew and cover me

I cry out for your presence, for your word

Where are you Lord? please come and help me

 

My Heart

My heart

My heart feels like an open wound

The pain is overwhelming

I drown beneath the pulsing flood

As life drains out around me,

My fault, this pain I suffer now

My sin, my weakness caused it

My longing for more special love

That caused this wound to open,

I opened up this heart of mine

A bit too much for friendship

So now I struggle to repair

And mend it’s ragged edges.

Oh Lord, I’m sorry, help me please

Forgive and heal I beg you.

Please teach me how to be a friend

Not lapsing to obsession,

I find this loving people hard

To get balance right

I want to learn to love like you

So I’ll give you this bleeding heart.

 

 

lonely

Lonely one

The little child sat alone, on the outside

Watching others play together

She felt left out, different and insecure.

In her hand was a little sandwich

Just her simple homemade lunch

The others saw she had some ‘goodies’

Soon they gathered all about

‘I will be your friend’, they promised

‘If you share your lunch around’

So she gave away her sandwich

Happy for a little while

Then when it was gone, all finished

The others left her all alone.

‘So why?’ the teacher asked the youngster

‘Do you give your lunch away?’

‘It’s simple really’, said the said sad one

‘For a moment at least they let me play’

‘For a brief time they are friendly’

‘So I don’t feel quite so alone’.

The child grew into a young woman

Who still longed and yearned for love

She still thought that someone may love her

If she gives them what they want

Now years have passed for that child-woman

Many lessons she has learned

But deep inside a lonely child lurks

Feeling apart and left outside

Convinced she has nothing to offer

Nothing to give to ‘earn’ some love

Expecting friends to up and leave her

When someone better comes along,

Alone she weeps, alone she longs

To feel she really is worth something

And doesn’t need to earn their love

Thoughts around Easter

The past couple of weeks have been a struggle, but sometimes we can find treasure in our struggles. It certainly doesn't feel like it at the time, but in retrospect there are gems that God has taught us in the dark nights of depression.

Here are some thoughts and a couple of poems.












Thoughts from my notebook

 

 

 

Ok Lord a few questions ---

So when we pray for others and move forward and try to live for you, with you, through you – we often seem to fall under attack. Health issues, physical and mental arise. Our weak points, our ‘Achilles heels’ are breached.

So then Lord when this happens, when we get sick, overwhelmed with depression, when we fall on the battlefield and lie wounded and bleeding, does this mean we have failed you? Does this mean the enemy has effectively removed us as a threat?

Where is your victory in this? You are stronger, more powerful and have ultimate control. Have we/I failed you?

So Lord you know my struggles and failures, you know my weak spots, there are plenty of them! It is your power, authority and strength which will win out in the end. Forgive me for my weakness and failures.

Is it ok if I keep praying for stuff, for others, even if my faith is weak and I am not a particularly ‘righteous man (woman)’ can you still use me despite my weakness and failure.

 

*continued on next page*

Wow just reading in Matthew about you in Gethsemane and thinking about your crucifixion.

You were made to suffer, you were weak and actually put to death. You had to struggle with ‘the cup’ which you had to ‘drink’. Your heart and spirit were heavy. You didn’t look victorious as you were arrested, and deserted by your friends. Or as you were beaten and crucified. It looked more like a failure, it looked as if the enemy had won, and it wasn’t triumphant. Yet at your lowest point, your weakest moment, this was your greatest victory, your greatest service, your greatest strength.

So when we get knocked down and our faces are in the mud again, you can be – you are in fact – victorious still, when we submit and surrender our whole selves- weakness, failures and all to you, for your glory.

 

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Where is your victory

Where is your victory Lord?

When the darkness closes in

How do I praise you?

When I am full of pain within

Why do I struggle so?

When I should rest in you

How can you love me still?

But yet I know it’s true.

For when the darkness lifts again

And when the pain subsides

I see that you are with me still

You were there to steer and guide,

Your rod and staff kept me on track

Though I stumbled and I fell

You never left my side oh Lord

And you say you never will.

 

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Easter

It was dark and all seemed lost

Afraid, your people hid

Where was that glorious future

They had thought would be their lot.

Those promises, those miracles,

That teaching that made sense,

It all had vanished in the wind

‘Where to now’, they said.

But wait! What news is this they bring?

Our Lord is raised! Not dead!

He is alive again they say –

Come see, come find, come look.

They hurried there with hope and dread

How can this be? They think

And find an empty tomb, not death

The Lord is risen indeed

He meets with them, he shows his wounds

At last they understand

He is the living Son of God

Our conquering risen Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At His feet

At His feet

 

My tears flow as I kneel at His feet

Tears of shame, remorse, regret

Tears of helplessness, confusion, need

I have no right to be here

Yet there is nowhere else I can go,

I can only lay my heart bare

At his feet - I need him so.

And he doesn’t push me far away

Or tell me roughly just to leave

Instead he draws me closer still

And whispers love words in my ear,

Forgives my sin, removes my shame

Helps me to stand and smile again

Can I Trust?

Can I trust?

 

Am I afraid to take the chance?

And surrender to this promised love

I guard and shield my trembling heart

From disappointment, pain and hurt

So can I take this offered hand?

That beckons me to live life loved

Can I trust that gentle smile?

Those open, honest, loving eyes

Oh Lord I really want to come

I want to take your offered love

I want to let you in my life

I want to trust and live life loved.

So thank you that you don’t give up

Persistently you woo my heart

You know me inside out my Lord

Yet still insist to offer love