struggles with the black dog and God's encouragements

Here are a couple of poems from my heart as I continue to struggle with the black dog of depression and with feelings of uselessness.
Crumbs that sounds inviting doesn't it!!!! but hopefully someone will read these somewhere and know that God won't abandon you, he understands and even when you may feel unlovely and unlovable he still loves you, you belong to him and even when you can't see it for yourself in his eyes you are valuable and have worth.

Do I have a place?

Is there a place for me here Lord?

For the person that I am,

I’m not an extrovert at all

I’m probably not much fun.

It’s not my way to jump and sing

I’d rather quietly pray,

I’m not so good at speaking out

But can you use me somehow, someway?

I feel I’m really not much use

That there’s not a place for me

The others seem to blaze with light

While I flicker weakly here

Yet you will not quench this flickering wick

I read that in your word,

You won’t snuff out my little flame

So into your hands I commit again.

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The Black dog

The black dog of depression

Hangs like a lead weight on my heart

Even times of happiness

Can feel it dragging me apart,

It cripples me, it holds me back

It taints my every thought,

It wearies me with each attack

Traps and drags – again I’m caught

I long to run away from it

And reinvent myself

I long to be free of this pain,

Oh Lord, please heal my heart

His encouragement

The Lord will not leave me to be devoured

He will rescue me, he is here.

He will replace my weeping with his joy

He will bring light to the darkness in my heart

He won’t abandon or leave me.

He is my shepherd, I’m in his flock

I belong to him, he won’t abandon me.

Thank you Lord that your rod and staff

Still comfort me in dark valleys

I will wait for you Lord, for your timing

You will not forsake or leave me.

 

The Good Shepherd

The Good Shepherd

 

The sheep was bleeding badly

A torn and bloodied lamb

A broken battered lump of wool

Was in the Shepherds hands,

It didn’t look worth saving

Didn’t seem much worth the time,

But the Shepherd gently held it

In His arms, with love divine

Because this tattered and torn lamb

Was His, He said “You’re mine!”

“I’ve brought you with a mighty price”

“And I know which sheep are mine”

“I never will forsake you”

“or leave you bleeding out of sight”

“I will not lose one of my flock”

“You won’t be left behind!”

Hold Your Head Up

I struggle often with putting myself down, not being all that nice to myself. I was brought up on the concept of not thinking too highly of yourself, and consequently find it hard to acknowledge if I have ever done anything good.

 

 I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day along these lines, and how it is not 'prideful' to be proud of your achievements, especially when it is God who gives us the abilities and gifts we have. Also was thinking of the words in Psalm 115:1 which says:

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness"

 

The following poem is the fruits of these thoughts.

 

Hold your head up 

Lift your eyes a bit my child

Hold your head up high

For I have given you this gift

And the glory is all mine

It isn’t pride if you just smile

Enjoying what you do

It isn’t pride to take delight

In what I do through you

Stop hiding in the shadows child

And use what I provide

I sing with joy and love for you,

My child, you’re my delight.

So don’t apologise again

Because you’ve done some good

Rejoice with me, come smile and sing

I am your loving God.

A time of waiting

Waiting 

Waiting here in the stillness

Lord, I’m waiting here where it’s quiet.

Unsure of the direction

Of where I’m heading with my life.

I commit again Lord

Commit myself into your hands,

Hanging on to your promise

That you have a purpose and a plan,

Not sure what I am to do Lord

So I’ll wait here for a while,

Maybe this is the destination

So I will wait here at your side.

A time of changes

Right now I am in the midst of a time of change, one job is over after quite a few years, and I am not sure where or what I am going to do next. I know God has a plan for me, and if I stay within his plan I need not be afraid as his plans are never to harm or destroy. He will provide for me. I worry that I will somehow miss what I should be doing or take a wrong turn, so each day (and frequently throughout the day) I have to commit myself into his hands, and just wait on Him. The following three poems are a glimpse into where my heart is at the moment, with all my failure and weakness. They are in some ways a bit raw and not highly refined but they come from my heart.

 

Where are you leading me? 

Sometimes Lord it seems very dark

I don’t know where you are leading me.

I feel I am failing at every turn

Just groping blindly all around me,

I am afraid I will take a wrong turn

Or somehow wander from your plan

Yet I cannot see what plan it is

Or fathom where you’ll take me

Do you have a plan for me? I ask Lord

And I am not just hoping in vain

It’s just I cannot see the answers

Lord, I cannot see the way.

Forgive me for my weakness, my failures

Forgive me when doubts come my way

Please fulfil your purpose for me

And hold me close to you I pray.

Let me hear the words you have for me

Please give me a glimpse of your face

Oh Lord please somehow reassure me

That I am truly yours I pray 

As long as you do all the leading

I know I can trust you with my days

 

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Why do you weep? 

The morning breaks and my heart awakes

I see a new day stretch before me 

Oh feeble fragile heart, why do you weep? 

The future is unknown and fear creeps in

My heart longs to hide again in night-time 

Oh feeble fragile heart, why do you weep? 

So I fall again to my knees Lord

To commit myself to you

To place this feeble fragile heart

Again into your hands Lord,

Once more I look to you for help

Your strength and promises are sure

So feeble fragile heart don’t weep

The loving God holds you secure

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His words to a troubled heart 

Troubled heart come rest in me

Come wait on me today

Be still, stop restless wandering                                                           

Come hear my word today.

I am right here beside you child

I will not move away

Come rest, come trust, come wait on me

Be still my child I say.

I am your God, and I am strong

The victory is mine

So do not fear what lies ahead

The plan is my design,

I see you weep, I count your tears

I love you child of mine.

Caught in a storm

Caught in a storm

 

Caught up in a vortex of emotion,

Reality and firm ground wavering

Floundering amidst the swirling tide

My feet unable to find firm ground

Lord don’t lose me in this whirlpool

As confusion and grief surround,

Please keep your hand of power upon me

Stop me from drowning in this storm.

Calm the wind and waves of my emotions

Bring me through to solid ground.

I am crying out to you, come save me

Steer my course, direct my ways

I’m pleading Lord, help me to see you

Feel your presence, hear your voice

I lift my arms out to be rescued

I’m trusting you’ll not let me drown

 

 

discarded wineskin

 

Discarded wineskin   (with reference to Psalm 119: 81-83)

 

A wineskin in the smoke

Used up, useless, discarded

That’s how I feel now Lord.

When will you come to help?

I need your help so much -

Your presence as sorrow overwhelms.

The pus and poison pour from the open wound

Only you can heal and cleanse me.

Take this discarded used up wineskin

I wait for you to come and help

To fill renew and cover me

I cry out for your presence, for your word

Where are you Lord? please come and help me